A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
by Alysti
Summary: Nothing for Elijah Goldsworthy ever works out as planned.
1. Petals of a Dying Rose

**A/N:** Hello! We, Kristi and Alyssa, are co-writing this book. It's a semi-Degrassi fan-fiction. What we mean is that we're using our own storylines, but we're using Degrassi's characters, which is why they may sound familiar. We can assure you that this will be nothing like the television show. We have imaginations and we know how to develope our own plots. Panic! At The Disco (the best band ever!) music has given us a lot of inspiration for this story, so you should all go listen to them. (; Anyway, thank you for reading, we hope you enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

**PS:** If you have a Twitter account, and you would like two more followers, follow us! kkrriissttii_xo and Mancoocoo (;

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p>PETALS OF A DYING ROSE:<p>

All eyes had fallen on me. My black hair, soaked and clinging to my cheeks, the white roses I held in my clenched fist, crumpled and dying. I didn't care. I couldn't care. The loosely tied bow-tie that hung around my neck came undone as I stormed down the aisle. I angrily slammed the white roses, now distorted and wrinkled, down on the casket and turned to run back out of the church.

The flood of tears, which had built up behind my eyelids, drained from eyes and ran freely down my face. I slammed the heavy, wooden door behind me as a sheet of rain welcomed me with arms of hostility. I kept going. I couldn't stop. My thoughts buzzed around in my head like a swarm of angry bees. The image of Julia's cold, dead, bleeding body had burned itself into my head, terrifying me every time my eyes closed.

"Eli!" Someone called out from behind me. I couldn't think clearly enough to understand who it was. "Eli!" In the blink of an eye, I was on the ground, just inches away from the busy street.

"Are you crazy? You could have gotten yourself killed!" Seth's strong hands pinned my shoulders to the ground. His short, sandy hair flattened against his head in the rain and his hazel eyes shot me such an intense stare that I had to avert my eyes. He was the spitting image of our father, no wonder why he was the favorite.

"Get off me." I wriggled out from underneath him and brushed myself off. A small crowd gathered at the entrance of the small church, my parents stood in the back, embarrassed. I turned away from them. Shouldn't they have been inside anyway? It was Julia's wake, not my mental health evaluation.

My parents slowly emerged from the crowd, trailing my little sister behind them. My father gestured for us to go to the car and he did not look pleased. I didn't care. I _couldn't _care. I slid into the back seat of the small SUV. My sister slid in after me, and finally my brother.

"You're going to call Julia's parents tonight and apologize for your behavior, understand, Elijah?" My father glared at me in the rearview mirror. My mother glanced at me with sympathetic eyes.

"James, please don't start with him." She placed a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off.

"The way he acted was uncalled for, Cecilia. I can't believe you want me to let it go."

I pressed my clammy forehead to the window. My father would never understand. He never understood _me. _I was the person he never wanted me to be. I wasn't perfect, and he couldn't accept it. I was different.

Piper sat as close to Seth as she could, as if I had some kind of disease she didn't want to catch. I was used to that. Piper had always been afraid of me. It was nothing new in the Goldsworthy household.

A few stray tears rolled continuously over my cheeks as my heart pounded in my chest. I covered my eyes with my hands, hoping nobody had seen. I hated car rides. Well, just cars in general. They scared me to death. Automobiles were the leading cause of death in the world. In less than four years, cars had taken away two of the most important people to me.

"Elijah, sweetie are you okay?" My mother asked. I was tempted to look at her, but that would only cause me embarrassment. Drops of salty tears still fell mercilessly from my emerald green eyes.

"I'm fine." I mumbled, inconvincibly. I didn't care. I shouldn't have had to sound like I meant it. My girlfriend was dead.

The strenuous car ride was coming to an end, thankfully. We pulled into our short, paved driveway, and I ran into the house. I stumbled a bit as I desperately raced up the steps to my bedroom. I cringed at the sound the bedroom door made as it squealed open. My nimble feet carried me into the bedroom and I collapsed on the black-dressed bed.

My head spun. Just two days ago, I had the world, and now I had nothing. Just two days ago, I had Julia. And I ruined it. If I hadn't flipped on her, she might have been there and my tears would not have been shed.

_Unfair. _It was _unfair _that the only thing I loved was snatched away from me. It was also _unfair_ that she did _that _to me. It was _unfair _that they thought it was my fault. That's life. Nobody said it would be fair.

"Uh, dinner's ready, Elijah." I rolled towards the timid voice. My six year old sister, Piper, stood outside the door way, nervously rubbing her arms. Her long, curly dark locks hung limply against her face. Her crystal, blue eyes stared at me curiously like I was some kind of animal in the zoo. Piper and I never interacted unless forced to. She was terrified of me for some reason, and I wasn't exactly Mr. Talkative.

"I'm not hungry." I sighed, turning back to the ceiling.

"Daddy said you have to come down." She argued.

"Tell _Daddy _I'm not hungry." I nearly growled. I watched her scamper back down the stairs out of the corner of my eye. Knowing my father, he'd be in my room in less than a minute, dragging me to the dinner table; dressed appropriately or not.

"Elijah Reid, you get down those stairs right now. It's dinner time. We eat dinner as a family." Can I call it or what? He wrapped his large hand around my shoulder, prying me off the bed.

"Please leave me alone." I murmured, pressing my weight into the cushy mattress.

Apparently, my efforts proved victorious. His hand left my shoulder and I heard his footsteps head towards to the door. He paused like he was going to say something, but instead he turned back out the door. My father and I were never close either. I was different, and he didn't appreciate that.

My thoughts kept traveling back to Friday. Julia's face as she left, crying and angry, crept its way to the front of my head. The devastating phone call from Mrs. Anderson that was informing me that the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, was dead rang in my ears. And all I could remember thinking was; _Not again. Please, please, don't let this be happening to me again. _

"Elijah, can you please come down for dinner? You haven't eaten since the accident." My mother took it upon herself to come into my bedroom and sit down next to me. Her voice broke me away from my thoughts. Maybe I should have been thanking her for it. I sat up to look at her. My mother's short, chestnut hair rested on her shoulders, her warm, chocolate eyes displayed so many thoughts. Some of them I didn't want to know.

"Fine." I sighed. I didn't like making my mother unhappy. After all, she was the only one, besides Seth, who actually tolerated me in our 'family'. We weren't a family. Families are happy and do things together. They don't exclude anyone, unlike ours. Someone is nearly always excluded, and that someone is me.

I solemnly followed her down the carpeted steps and into the dining room. My father sat at one head of the table, Seth and Piper sat on his left, my mother took a seat at the other head of the table, and I took my usual seat in between both of them. Seth had refused to sit next to me; he complained that my elbows were always in his way since I'm left handed. Piper wouldn't have sat next to me if given the choice.

"Let's say grace, now that Elijah has charmed us with his presence." They all grasped hands. Mom and Dad both reached for mine. I tucked my hands under my thighs.

"Elijah, hands." My father sternly narrowed his eyes.

"I refuse to pray to this supposed God person." I stared him straight in the eye.

"Excuse me?" He gasped. Though I couldn't see her, I was positive my mother looked stunned.

"I don't see how there could ever be a God if He lets people so close to others just die. It's not fair, and I refuse to believe that there is a person so cruel." I lowered my eyes and shook my head a bit to make my speech more convincing.

"God has a plan for everyone. Julia wasn't meant to grow old, that's the way life works. Now stop being ridiculous and let's say grace so we can eat!"

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. My breathing began to heave and I could feel my nostrils flare. "Julia wasn't meant to grow old? God wanted her to die? How could you say a man who picks fifteen year old girls off the Earth like there's no tomorrow deserves to be praised?" I screamed.

Everyone dropped their hands and stared at me. When nobody responded, I continued. I was on a roll and I couldn't stop myself. "And what about Uncle Mark? Was he meant to die too? Did God make another car take him out on the highway too? Huh?" I felt the all too familiar wetness saturate my cheeks. I couldn't believe I was _crying_ in front of my family. Piper didn't even cry in front of people.

"That's enough, Elijah." I was sick of hearing my name. Every time they talked to me, they had to say my name, like I would forget it if they stopped saying it.

I roughly slid my chair out from the table and casually went back up the stairs. None of this was fair. Nothing. My life for the past three and a half years had been shit. The only good thing I had was Julia, and now she was gone, gone for good. If there was a God, He must have truly despised me. Only someone heartless would dangle something great, something so precious in front of someone's face only to snatch it away.

I hit the light switch in my bedroom as I walked through the doorway. My feet blindly navigated across the room and found my cool, full sized bed. I immediately threw myself onto it and yanked my sheets over my head in a desperate attempt to rid myself of the nasty chills that were travelling up and down my body.

_If there really is a God up there, please kill me. _


	2. Goodbye Sanity

**A/N:** Enjoy, lovies!

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p>GOODBYE SANITY:<p>

I uncomfortably sat at the kitchen table watching my family members eat. I wasn't in the mood for anything, especially food. My father would glance up at me every so often and shake his head in disappointment. Though his disappointment in me wasn't new, it certainly had increased in the last few days.

"I have to go run some errands today, Mom, is that okay?" Seth asked my mother. I never understood why he asked her such stupid questions. He was nineteen and in college, our mother had close to no rein over him anymore.

"Of course, honey. You can take Elijah with you, and catch up while you're out!" In other words; they didn't want me around.

"Uh, okay." Seth didn't sound too thrilled. I didn't blame him. If I was asked to drag myself to 'run some errands' I wouldn't be too happy either. "Is that okay with you, Eli?"

"Sure." I murmured. I didn't want to be in that house with my parents and Piper.

"Are you ready to go now? I have a lot to do." He asked impatiently.

"Ready when you are." My voice was barely louder than a whisper. My head throbbed as if someone was pounding a hammer into my temple. Images of Julia danced through my head and I couldn't think straight. The car that killed her killed me too.

Seth waved his hand, telling me to come. I jumped up from the table and briskly walked out the door. The sound the car made as he hit the 'unlock' button on his keys made me jump. I watched as he climbed into the driver's seat.

"I'll drive slowly." He yelled. I could practically hear him smirking. It was no secret that I was petrified of cars and everyone thought it was hilarious.

I slid into the passenger seat and carefully closed the car door behind me. The air between us was silent for the longest time. Neither of us seemed to know what to say. I didn't like the quiet, it allowed me to think, and I hated thinking.

"How are you, uh, holding up?" Seth asked hesitantly.

I mumbled something incoherent under my breath. Holding up? I wasn't 'holding up' at all. I was so lost.

"Julia was a sweet girl. She's going to be missed by a lot of people." I tried to block out whatever he was saying. My eyes focused on the outside world, even though it made me sick.

A shock of long, black hair flashed in the corner of my eye, startling me. The image played in my head. The more I thought about it, it looked more and more familiar, like I had seen it before. Almost like…  
>I shook it off. It was probably just my eyes playing tricks. But something deep inside me knew it wasn't.<p>

"Do you want to talk about it?" Seth broke me from my insane thoughts.

"There's nothing to talk about. I yelled at her, she walked off and got herself killed. The end." I sighed.

The car grew insanely quiet once again. Seth seemed very focused on his driving like he was nervous or something, and I went back to staring out the window.

The Monday morning commuters bustled down the sidewalk, avoiding each other. The birds of Toronto sang their melodious tunes from the few trees scattered amongst the city. I watched them all from the horrible automobile I sat in.

Something stood out in the crowd for a split second. A shock of long, black hair. My heart pounded in my chest as I quickly averted my eyes. My line of vision shifted to my shaking fingers. Julia had edged her way into my head.

"Remember Darcy?" Seth asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah." Darcy had been his girlfriend since they were in junior high. Darcy and Seth were the 'it' couple, voted Prom King and Queen their senior year, cutest couple every year they were together, they were loved separately and together.

"Do you like her?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Why?" The truth; not really. Darcy was peppy and annoying. She always had a comment for every little thing and she certainly did not like me.

"Because I think I'm going to… propose." He what?

"You're kidding, right?" The words spilled out of my mouth like marbles.

"I thought you'd be happy for me, little brother."

"Don't call me that." He was just barely a little under four years older. That didn't really count as being 'big brother' to me.

"Are you jealous or something?" Was I jealous? Was that supposed to be a joke?

"It's just a surprise, that's all." I grumbled.

"That's why we're out today, so I can pick out a ring." He said energetically as we pulled into the mall parking lot.

"Fun." The fact that Seth was proposing to Darcy just days after the girl I thought I was going to marry was killed, was just mind-boggling. Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was self-wallowing, but I didn't care.

He quickly pulled into a parking spot, making my head spin and climbed out of the car. I followed behind him. Anything to get out of that car.

We walked briskly through the corridors of the large mall, the crowd wasn't too large today, and that was a bit odd. Then again, it was Monday.

Seth turned into a jewelry store, I hesitated before going in. Flashbacks danced before my eyes. I bought Julia a charm for a charm bracelet that I had bought her when we first started dating every two months from the same store.

Seth was like a kid in a candy shop. He went from case to case checking out each and every ring. It was almost annoying to watch him. I stared blankly into the bustling crowd of consumers. I forced myself to think about nothing, which was not a very easy thing to do.

Every time I tried not to think about Julia, she snuck her way into my thoughts, nearly suffocating me. She was too painful to carry, but too painful to try and forget. She was bittersweet.

"_Eli…" _I flinched, frantically searching for who had called me. The voice sounded so familiar. Everything that seemed to be happening to me was so familiar.

"_Eli…" _It was just my ears buzzing. It was nothing. I kept repeating it over and over in my head. Julia was dead. She was dead.

"Eli!" I whipped my head around. Seth's excited face fell to a frown.

I froze, my legs refused to move. Why was this happening to me? What was wrong with me?

My eyes landed on my feet. Seth must have realized I wasn't going to look at the ring he had picked out because he didn't say another word. My head did circles around my body as I tried to keep my thoughts straight.

"Eli, are you okay?" My head snapped up, Seth stood in front of me, a small bag hung around his wrist.

"I'm fine." I lied. I couldn't tell my perfect brother I thought I was going nuts.

"We're all done here, then. Is there anything you want while we're still here?"

I shook my head, he nodded in response.

He trailed me behind me as we walked back through the mall. I felt like everyone was staring at, like there was something off about me. I shook it off, it was just me, I was fine, considering.

My eyes unconsciously fell on a boy and a girl in the corner between JC Penny's and Victoria's Secret. His arm was snaked around her wrist and her fingers were flying through his hair. My hands balled up into fists. Anger coursed through me like a wild fire. Was this all a big joke? Did it have to be kicked in my face every chance it could?

"Hey!" My legs carried me over to the couple without permission from my fucked up head. "Is that really necessary?" I spat, just inches from them, now separated.

"Do you have a problem, kid?" The boy asked.

"The only problem I have is you two. Do you want to stop rubbing it in? I get it, okay? My girlfriend is dead, I have no one. Ha ha, funny." I could feel my nostrils flaring angrily as I spoke.

"Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about." Out of the corner of my eye, I watched his hand interlace with hers. That did it for me. I was furious.

"_Hit him."_

In a matter of seconds, he was on the floor with blood just pouring out of his nose, and Seth was dragging me away from him. "Let's go!" He shouted into my ear.

Blood dripped off my knuckles as we literally ran out of the mall. It made me sick. Blood was never my thing, I couldn't even think about it without getting queasy.

Seth pushed me up against the side of his car. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't know." I whispered. Everyone was out to get me, that's what's wrong with me.

"Get in the car." He gave me a rough push towards the other side of the horrid machine.

"That guy is going press charges, you idiot. Is that what you do now? Deck random people in the face at the mall for no reason? When Mom and Dad find out, you're dead, Eli."

"You can't tell them!" I screeched.

"Why can't I? If I do are you going to break my nose too?"

"You have no idea what it's like, Seth. You've always been perfect."

"You did this to yourself, Eli. I can't keep getting you out of things. Maybe if you tried to be more like-"

"More like the rest of you? Thanks Seth. Now you even think I'm a freak." My head fell against the window. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Well you certainly are acting like one lately!" His grip tightened around the steering wheel.

"You have no idea what this is like, Seth!" My voice broke. A fear tears fell over my cheeks. I furiously wiped at my face in a desperate attempt to rid myself of them.

"That still doesn't give you an excuse, Elijah." For the first time, he looked at me like our father did. Disappointed.

My eyes clouded over, and suddenly my head became one swarm of unrecognizable thoughts all meshing together. Someone's hands pressed themselves into my temples. There was a voice mumbling somewhere, it sounded something like spot, or pot, or stop.

And then there was nothing.


	3. Ripping at the Seams

**A/N:** We greatly appreciate reviews... a lot!

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p>RIPPING AT THE SEAMS:<p>

My left hand shook as I scrawled a short story down on a piece of paper. Everything that happened today played through my head like a bad movie. My breathing was heavy, my eyes clouded.

"Elijah, can you come down here please?" I heard my mother call. What could they possibly want from me?

"Be right down." I mumbled, though I knew they couldn't hear me.

I dragged my feet along the carpet of my messy room and closed the door behind me as I exited the bedroom. My limbs felt numb as I pulled myself down the stairs and into the kitchen.

My mother, my father, and Seth all sat around the table. Seth didn't look at me as I entered the room. Everything began to click.

"Sit." My father kicked a chair out from underneath the table. I obeyed his orders. My fingers drummed nervously on my thighs.

"The mall called." His piercing, hazel eyes burned holes in my forehead. "You know what they told me?"

"I don't know." I couldn't will myself to speak louder than a whisper.

"They told me that my maniac of a son, broke a customer's nose for no apparent reason!" He slammed his fist down on the table, winning a wince from my mother.

"So I called Seth in here, and asked him what happened, and he said the same thing!" My father's face was as red as a tomato and his chest heaved angrily.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"No sir."

"Why'd you do it, Elijah? Why?"

_Because she told me to._ "I don't know."

"You don't know? How do you not know why you assaulted another shopper? There had to be a reason, no?" He was now looming over me.

_Because Julia's dead and it's not fair that other people get to be happy, That's why! _"Not Julia other happy, why be fair is because that get is and it people to dead!" My parents and my brother all looked at me like I was crazy. I couldn't understand why they were all staring at me.

My mother's jaw dropped. "Eli, what did you say?" She leaned in closer to me and brushed my hair away from my face.

"Nothing. It doesn't even matter." If they weren't going to listen to me the first time I spoke, they wouldn't the second.

"I can't even look at you right now!" My father spat. I quickly stood up from the table and walked back up stairs to my bedroom and slammed the door shut. They didn't understand, nobody understood.

I stumbled on to my large, double bed and buried my face in the surplus of pillows that I had at the head of it. For the first time, I wished I was Seth. He was happy, Mom and Dad loved him, he was getting engaged, he was perfect. And I was me. Elijah Goldsworthy; the fuck up.

"_The notebook, Eli. Look at the notebook."_ The all too familiar voice startled me. I pried myself off the bed and cautiously walked over to my black desk. My shaky hands pulled out the cushy computer chair and I sat down.

My nimble fingers lifted the cover of the tattered notebook and flipped to the back, where I had began my short story. I fell backwards off the chair in shock at the sight of the lined paper. What I thought had been a few paragraphs of the book I had trying to write for years was a scribbled mess of random words and phrases all jumbled and overlapping each other.

What was wrong with me? How could I not know that I was writing that? My head swam with thoughts about anything and everything. I subconsciously lifted myself onto my bed and stared at the ceiling.

Hours ticked by like minutes. My thoughts still ran a mile a minute. My hands still shook from the notebook. My stomach did flips in my abdomen.

I didn't want to just sit there any longer. My brain kept telling me to go downstairs, go downstairs. I walked tip-toed out of the dark bedroom and down the carpeted steps. My breathing evened out and now it was barely audible.

"James, you and I both know that there is something else going on!" My mother said to my father in a hushed tone. I leaned against the wall outside of the kitchen, listening for more.

"He's doing it for attention, Cece. There's no way, I refuse to believe that there's something physically wrong with him."

"You heard him before! Do you honestly think that's normal?"

"He thinks he's being funny. He probably found out about Mark and thought it'd be a good way to get back at me for being hard on him. It. Is. Nothing."

"How do you supposed he found out? You kept the kids away from him!"

"I don't know, Cecilia, but I refuse to believe that there's something wrong with Eli. He's been fine for almost sixteen years."

"It's hereditary! And you know that it doesn't manifest itself until late adolescence, and the symptoms are usually set off by a traumatic event! Are you saying this is all a coincidence? Even Seth said he was acting off!" It? What was it?

"He's fine."

"What if he's not? Are you just going to let him end up like your brother?"

"This is my fault?"

"It does run on your side of the family!"

I couldn't listen to their fighting anymore. I slowly trudged into the kitchen. "Hey." I stood awkwardly in the middle of the floor.

My mother's head snapped up and she plastered and instant smile on her face. "Hi honey! Do you need something?" Her false excitement made me sick.

"No, I just thought I'd drop by, say goodnight be for I go to bed." I kept my voice indifferent.

"How long have you been down here?" She asked, a nervous expression replaced her plastic one.

"Long enough." I murmured.

"We'll talk about this tomorrow." My father grumbled as he stood up from the table.

"You know what, Elijah? You have school in the morning, you should probably get to bed." Her fake smile reappeared on her tired face.

"Yeah. Well, goodnight." I quickly turned around and raced back up the stairs. I had heard way too much for one night. My head buzzed with their conversation, obviously about me. All of their words smashed together, making me unable to decipher even a single phrase.

My eyesight blurred as I got to my bedroom door. I blindly pushed it open with the palm of my hand and tumbled inside. The messy, disarray of things proved a few obstacles for me. I navigated my way through the stuff and back to my bed. My fingers flicked the light switch off and yanked my dark gray blanket over my head.

The oscillating fan on my ceiling spun endlessly, hypnotizing me. I filled my cheeks with air and exhaled a few times, taking deep breaths. All was silent in my bedroom, nothing made a sound, not even me. You could have heard a pin drop.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._ The sound made me jump. I flipped the light switch back on and whipped my head around the room, looking for the source of the sound. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked to the window. The tapping grew louder and faster as I got closer.

I hesitantly peered through the thick curtains, nearly screaming at the sight before me. Julia hovered outside my window, her long, black hair blew around her shoulders angelically, her blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight. She waved her hand, beckoning for me to come to her, I could nearly hear her telling me to step out the window, telling me that I'd be fine.

I shook my head and rubbed my disbelieving eyes. More taps followed from the window. When I opened my eyes, there was nothing there. Nothing other than a lonely tree branch scraping against my window in the wind.

Breathe Elijah, breathe. I pressed my clammy hands to my forehead and collapsed on the bed. My head still reeled. She was there! I saw her! It seemed so real, it seemed so believable.

Or maybe I was just making things up. Maybe I was unconsciously allowing my parents' conversation get to me. Maybe I was just seeing things and hearing things. Maybe this was all apart of grieving. Maybe Julia would stop haunting my head after I learned to accept that she's dead.

I repeated my mental analysis over and over again to myself, hoping that if I said it enough, I'd begin to believe it myself.

My thoughts and ideas ran a million miles a minute, things I hadn't thought about in ages got kicked up like dirt at the bottom of a lake. My head was getting too crowded, I could feel it. The pressure was building up, making my temples throb.

_God, like I said before, if you're really up there, this would be a nice time to strike me dead._


	4. White Space

**A/N:** Thanks for the review, we appreciate it! Lol. Read and Review pleasee? We worked really hard on this!

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p><strong>WHITE SPACE<strong>**:**

I kept my head down as I walked. I watched Piper swing her slender arms back and forth as she kept a safe distance away from me. It was my responsibility to make sure she got to school every morning. The elementary school was on the way to the high school, so it was kind of a given that I'd have to drop her off first.

I felt uncomfortable walking next to Piper, not one word being shared between us. It was too quiet. You could literally cut the tension the atmosphere around us held with a butter knife. It bugged me that I scared the crap out of my own little sister. It was never like this before. When we she was three and I was twelve, we were close; really close.

I told her everything. She was the first to know about Julia and I, and the things that we had done together. She knew about all the fights I would get into with the older kids when they'd tease me. We'd laugh and play together, and I'd protect her with everything I had. I trusted her, and she trusted me. Then again, she was three, and could barely walk straight; let alone understand what I was telling her.

Then, somewhere along the line, we disconnected. I feel like there's something I should remember, like I'm forgetting a blow up between us or something. You know, we actually stopped talk after…

I shook from my thoughts. I hated thinking about him. He was just like Julia. He left me, stupid and alone to fend for myself. He didn't care. He never cared.

I glanced down at Piper, her floral dress bouncing as she skipped down the sidewalk. Her chocolate curls were teased up and pinned back with a pink clip. I smirked at her. She was so young, and naïve. She thought the world was beautiful, and everything inside of it was good. I scoffed; if only I could live in the mind of my six year old sister. Then, my life would be semi-okay, and I wouldn't be this huge, pansy-ass disappointment. Yeah, that'd be nice.

"What are you laughing at?" My head snapped to the voice, and my face fell blank. Piper had stopped walking and she looked straight at me, her big blue eyes wide and full of curiosity. She talked…to me.

"What?" I blurted, not knowing what to say.

She cocked her head to the side and squinted. "You were laughing at me."

"I wasn't laughing at you, I was just smiling. Is that wrong, Piper? Should I not be able to smile?" I snapped at her and she cowered below me.

"Yes. I-I mean no, I don't-I don't know." She whispered, her voice shaking.

I hooked my thumbs into the belt loops of my black, acid wash skinny jeans and sighed.

We walked the two remaining blocks to Degrassi Elementary in silence, occasionally I heard Piper hum a small tune.

I handed Piper her backpack and lunchbox as we neared the entrance of the brick building. "I'll see you after school." I murmured. She shot me a nervous smile and walked up the concrete steps.

I turned to walk but was stopped by a small voice. "I'm sorry, Eli. I didn't mean to make you mad." Piper said; her voice barely loud enough to hear.

I turned on my heels and narrowed my eyes at her. She hid half her face behind her purple lunch box. "I-I miss you." She stuttered, and turned around; scurrying into the large, double door entrance.

I stood there like an idiot, stunned by her words. Piper missed me?

I turned back and headed to the high school, preparing myself for what was about to come. My unwilling feet dragged me to what used to be my sanctuary; Degrassi Community High School. I couldn't be safe there anymore, not without Julia.

I walked past the glass double doors and shoved my way through the crowded hallways. The school was overstuffed with students; I hated it. I didn't like people, especially people my own age. My thoughts flashed back to yesterday; they were right, I had no social skills.

I managed my way to my locker and sighed in relief. My hallway was vacant, only a few kids had lockers in the E-wing. I felt like I could actually breathe again. I quickly spun in my combination and pulled the metal clasp, my locker springing open. My heart sank. A bunch of Julia's things were collected on the top shelf. I obliviously grabbed my books for my first few classes without taking my eyes off her various knickknacks.

"Are you okay, man?" Adam, my best and only friend, asked from somewhere behind me, causing me to jump.

I glanced over my shoulder and rolled my eyes. Adam stood there in red skinny jeans and a bright yellow shirt, an apple clenched in his hand and a dark blue beanie pulled over his head. His wardrobe was definitely…colorful. And every much unlike mine.

"Perfect." I grumbled, slamming my locker simultaneously. I couldn't deal with his personality right now.

He nodded. "Just making sure. I'm here, if you want to talk." He half smiled and scratched underneath his beanie, nervously.

I walked away from him, obviously leaving him a bit burnt. I was the first person in my homeroom; Honors English. English was my best subject, but I guess that's not really saying anything because it is my own language.

I took my usual seat; second row from the windows, last seat. Julia had sat in front of me, and Adam sat to the right of me. My head fell to my desk. I really did not want to be there. I didn't want to be around all of the painful reminders.

One by one, my classmates made their way into the room, each taking a seat near their friends. Three girls sat in the seats next to me, giggling and batting their eyes at some guy across the room. I scoffed, the sight disgusting me.

I pulled out a sharpie and started coloring my fingernails to pass time. I jumped when I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up to see Adam sitting next to me and giving a 'thumbs up'. "It'll be okay dude, I promise."

_Oh Adam, if only it were that simple. _

"Enough, enough. Quiet down." I immediately turned my head as Mrs. Dawes strolled into the classroom, trailing a girl behind her. "We have a new student, this is Clare Edwards, and she'll be joining us for the remainder of the school year." Edwards… her last name sounded familiar.

Mrs. Dawes gestured for Clare to sit in the seat in front of me. My heart pounded in my chest. _That's Julia's seat! _I felt like I was about to pass out. The walls ran laps around me as the rest of the class stared.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, would you like to step out in the hallway?" Apparently, my little meltdown was being portrayed all over my face. Mrs. Dawes gave me a look of pity as I slowly stood up from my desk and walked out of the stuffy classroom.

I started maniacally pacing back and forth, tugging on fistfuls of my dark hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my classmates gawking at me through the windows. I couldn't give a shit. Let them stare.

How could she give away _Julia's _seat? She had just died on Friday! This was all happening way too soon. Everything was colliding like cars on the highway and I couldn't take it.

At least I wasn't…

I suppressed the thought. I wasn't doing it in the first place. It was all in my head… all in my screwed up head.

I casually walked back into the classroom. I wouldn't give those arrogant kids the satisfaction. I earned a few odd looks as I slid back into my desk and tried my best not to continuously glare at the auburn haired girl named Clare, who sat in Julia's seat.

Mrs. Dawes was scribbling some nonsense on the chalkboard in her spidery cursive. "Get with your partners and work on the assignment on the board." She said without turning.

"Mrs. Dawes, should I just write an autobiography?" Peeped a high-pitched voice in front of me. Is that what we were supposed to write? Biographies?

Mrs. Dawes finally turned around and stared at the both of us. "No, Clare you can work with Eli. He doesn't have a partner either." _She's dead. _

My eyes instantly met with a pair of deep blue ones. Her pink lips curled into a shy smile as she placed her purple notebook down on the very edge of my desk. "You don't mind, do you?" She asked timidly.

_Kind of. _"No." I murmured. She gave me a strange look, like there was something on my face. I mentally rolled my eyes. This was going to be a long year.

"Do you want to go first?" She flipped her notebook open to a fresh page, I cringed. The image of the short story fell before my eyes.

"No, you can go first." I sighed, ripping a piece of notebook paper out of my three-ringed binder.

"Okay, where should I start?"

"How about with your name?" I wasn't planning on being very nice to her. I was never very nice to anybody, so why should I have started then? I didn't even want to be talking to her. If Julia were still alive, we would have been playing tick-tack-toe on scrap paper while the rest of them worked, but since she's dead, and I have a 'new English partner', I'm taking notes on some stranger's life.

"My name is Clare Diane Edwards. C-L-A-R-E D-I-A-N-E E-D-W-A-R-D-S. I'm fifteen, almost sixteen. I live with both of my parents and my older sister. I have a cat, her name is Nellie. My family is not very big; I don't even think my parents have spoken to anybody except my mom's parents since they got married.

"I've been homeschooled for my entire life, today is my first day in a public school. My sister went through a lot of crap in this school; I had to practically beg them to allow me to come here.

"I've grown up in my sister's shadow; she's pretty, and popular, and has a nice boyfriend. I, well, I'm just little Saint Clare. I'm smart, and boring. That's pretty much where the line ends.

"My favorite color is yellow. My favorite food is pizza. My favorite place is the beach. I'm terrified of bugs. I talk a lot when I'm nervous… Am I going too fast?" I lifted my eyes to meet hers.

"I think I got it." I glanced at the piece of paper and had to do a double take. My eyes nearly jumped out of my head. The paper had random sentence fragments and words scribbled all over, barely leaving any white area.

I threw my arm over the edge of the paper, trying to keep it out of her view. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Her confused looks were making me extremely nervous.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I kept my head down, analyzing the terrifying paper in front of me.

"F-Fine." I stuttered. No one could see this… this… this monstrosity.

"The bell is going to ring, class. I need all of your rough drafts." Good, old Dawes. I mentally cursed myself. Why did I have to do this _now?_

"Clare, Eli? Your drafts?" She demanded. A pile of papers sat comfortably in her palm.

"Uhm, we only got to my biography, is that okay?" Clare asked in her high, squeaky voice. Her hand grabbed at the paper that I so desperately tried to hide. I should have thrown it in my binder while I had the chance.

She lifted the paper off the desk. The world seemed to drop into slow motion. "No!" Someone yelled. Before I knew it, I held half of the crumpled piece of loose-leaf, and Clare held the other. Clare and Mrs. Dawes stared at me in disbelief. I'm sure the rest of the class did too.

Clare scanned her half and as she did so, her mouth dropped open. Mrs. Dawes ripped both halves from our hands. "I'll see both lf you at the end of the day, for _detention_."

My clenched fists shoved themselves into my pockets as I walked back to my desk. It was going to be a long day.


	5. Weight Off My Shoulders

**A/N: **We are sincerely sorry for the delay on this chapter! yeah, we know like only two people read this, but we like to make everyone feel special! Anyway, we hope you enjoy(;

**DISCLAIMER: **We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p><strong>WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS:<strong>

_Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. _I concentrated on tapping my pencil against the vandalized school desk as the seconds ticked by like decades. Clare was shooting me death glares from across the room. I kept my eyes locked on the desk.

"I have to go do something. No talking, kids." Mrs. Dawes slowly exited the empty classroom. Only Clare and I had detention today. All I could think about was how much trouble I was going to be in. Though this wasn't my first run in detention, I was still going to catch as much as crap as the first time.

"I can't believe you landed us both in detention, Goldsworthy! It's my first day and I'm already missing homeschool." Clare hissed, causing me to roll my eyes.

"My apologies, Saint Clare." My brain pounded against my skull, bearing excruciating pain. Every time I got a headache, it would turn into a terrible, terrible migraine. No amount of medication could rid me of it.

My head slumped down in between my arms as my thoughts rattled around in my head like a soda can on a city street, intensifying the pain. I held my eyes clenched closed, avoiding the harsh fluorescents. A barely audible whimper escaped my lips.

"Uhm, Elijah? Are you okay?" A timid voice rang out, nearly shattering my eardrums. In a matter of seconds, I felt someone hovering next to me.

My head instantly lifted to face whoever had presented themselves in front of me, and I immediately regretted it. The light burst through my eyes and added heat to the fire that was burning inside my head. I hissed in pain, closing my eyes yet again, mentally kicking myself for acting like such a wimp in front of someone for a headache. _A headache!_

"What's wrong?" The voice finally registered as Clare's. Why did she care? Wasn't she just chewing me out for getting her in trouble?

"It's just a headache." I murmured.

"Some headache; you look like you're going to pass out!" Her small, delicate hand landed itself on my knee, causing me to shiver.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure, because you sure aren't _acting _fine? Even in class you were acting off…" Was it that easy to tell that I was wacked out of my mind?

"I'm fine."

I heard her pull something out of a folder, or her bag, or some container. "Look, Eli. Does this look _fine _to you?" She shoved the half sheet of notebook paper from class this morning in my face. I jumped, getting lost in the paper. My headache slipped to the backburner of my head as I studied the mishmash of words, phrases, and black marks.

Everything that Clare had said was there. I could make out words like _sister, yellow, cat, pizza. _It was all there, just not in a legible, nor expected order.

"Can we just forget about this? It's nothing. I've just had a rough few days. I'm tired." My tense hands crumpled up the heart-pounding paper.

"What happened?" She prodded curiously.

"Nothing." I mumbled. Tears crowded behind my eyelids. Julia happened.

"You can tell me, Eli." She nagged.

I remained mute, focusing on _not _crying.

"What happened? It might make you feel better. You can trust me." I was losing my patients with her. I could feel the rage boiling inside of me.

"Plea–"

"Fine, Clare. You want to know what the fuck happened? She killed him. She fucking killed him! I screamed at her so fucking badly, Clare. And she was crying so fucking hard. And I didn't care. She took off and got herself hit by a truck." Tears flowed freely down my face as my chest heaved angrily. Disbelief rolled around in my thoughts. Did I seriously just tell Clare _everything? _The day mashed together in my head. Students and walls became one. Lockers and windows slammed into each other like cars in collision.

Clare's petite features trembled. She had that 'prey-being-hunted' look in her eye like Piper has had for God knows how long when she's around me. Her crystal blue eyes sparkled in the fluorescent lights. She looked so helpless, so _afraid. _I turned away from her, wiping my palms over my cheeks.

"You can go now, you two." Mrs. Dawes strolled back into the stuffy classroom. Honestly, I wished she never left. I hastily brushed my books into my arm and left the classroom.

My footsteps echoed in my head as I bolted out of Degrassi. My legs wobbled as I cautiously stepped on the sidewalk. I hated walking home. The sidewalks were so close to the streets, you were basically asking to be hit.

For a brief moment, I felt _better _somehow. Like admitting that Julia was dead lifted something huge off my shoulders. Like that's what she wanted me to do. My hopes lifted; maybe all of this would stop. Life would return to my screwed-up normal.

My relief was short-lived.

My headache returned, paralyzing me with excruciating pain. I pressed on for a few more blocks until I couldn't take it anymore. I fell to my knees in front of some community playfield. My stomach wretched as vomit poured from my mouth. My eyes became insanely blurry as the world practically danced around me.

My heart raced and pounded in my ears as I kept heaving. The entire content of my stomach, including acid, was emptied onto the grass in front of me. Slowly, I rolled over onto my back, making sure not to lay in my vomit.

My frantic fingers searched my pockets for my cell phone. I quickly grasped it and dialed the familiar number.

_"Eli?" _

"I need you to come pick me up, Seth."

_"Where are you? You were supposed to be home hours ago! Mom and Dad are flipping!"_

"I had detention. You really need to come get me. I think I'm dy-" Before I had time to finish, my body decided I wasn't done yet. More puke flew from my mouth.

_"Are you throwing up? It's your head, isn't it? Where are you?"_ I could hear his heavy steps thumping around on some hard wood floor.

"In front of the playfield a few blocks from school. I'm sure you can't miss me." I pushed out, desperately trying to hold down whatever was left.

_"I'll be right there." _The ear shattering ending tone made me cringe.

I lost track of time as I laid in the grass next to a puddle of throw up, but soon enough, Seth pulled up in his stupid, small car.

"Great." He muttered. "Can you stand up?"

I clenched my eyes shut as I stumbled to my feet, wincing at the sudden, sharp-stabbing pain in my temples. I slid into the backseat of the Aveo and laid down along all three seats.

"You need to start carrying around Excedrin or something." His voice was like a dagger.

"It doesn't work." I whimpered. Every turn we made hurt. Every sound he made hurt. Everything hurt.

As soon as it started, the awful car ride came to an end. I climbed out of the car and dragged myself up to the house, leaving my books in Seth's car. I'd get them later.

"Where the hell have you been, Elijah? Your poor sister had to walk home all alone because you didn't show up to get her!" My father's angry voice boomed as I entered the hellhole. His words went right through me.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't speak louder than a whisper, everything was magnified.

"You're sorry, huh? I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that my six year old had to walk home from school today alone. What if she was kidnapped, Elijah? Who would you blame then?"

"Can you please stop yelling?" I clutched the sides of my head like it was about to explode.

"I'll yell if I damn well please! How 'bout that one, son?" He was inches from my face now. My father angry was fucking scary. He was a pretty intimidating man when he was _happy. _His voice triggered the all too familiar feeling of stomach acid rising to my through.

"I'm going to be sick." I quickly darted to the nearest bathroom and hugged the toilet, emptying whatever was left of my stomach contents, which was surprisingly a lot, considering I hadn't eaten in four days.

"Sweetie, here's a few aspirins; I think you should take them." My mother knelt down beside me and rubbed my back as I continued to vomit into her freshly cleaned toilet bowl.

"They don't help." I murmured.

"It won't hurt to take them, honey." She handed me two small pills and a glass of water. I shoved them down my throat and gulped down the water.

"I'm going to bed." I mumbled as I tripped out of the bathroom. My father shook his head in disappointment as I climbed the steps to my bedroom.

I glanced into Piper's room before I entered my own. She sat on her pink, twin bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. Her long hair fell in front of her face, making it impossible for her to see me.

Without thinking, I rapped my fist on the doorframe. Her startled blue eyes flicked up to look at me. A gasp escaped her lips. "W-What do you need, Elijah?"

"I'm, uh, I'm sorry. I had to stay after school, that's why I couldn't get you." I leaned against the wood for support. My legs felt like they were about ready to give out.

"Um, uh, it's okay…" She stated it more like a question than an acceptance of my apology.

I gave her a fake nod and slipped back down the hallway and into my dark, comforting bedroom. I slowly slid underneath the gray covers and rolled over to face the wall.

"You alright, man?" Seth's voice boomed from the doorway. I imagined myself as a superhero. 'YouAlright Man', best superhero since Superman.

"Outstanding." I muttered.

"It'll get better, bro." Seth said as sincerely as, I think, he possibly could. With that, he gently closed my bedroom door and padded back down the hallway.

_I sure hope so, but probably not. _


	6. 99 Problems

**A/N:** Yay! New chapter! We worked so hard on this chapter and the next, and we wanted to put them up together. Sorry for the delay! (;

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p><strong>99 PROBLEMS:<strong>

Bright, streaky sunlight poured into my dark bedroom, awaking me. As I pried my eyes open, the scene before me came into focus. My entire family stood around my bed, staring.

My mother breathed a sigh of relief. "Are you okay, sweetie? We've been trying to wake you up! You were screaming so loudly, Elijah, we thought something happened to you!"

Confusion racked my brain. Yet again, I felt like they all knew something I didn't. What could I have possibly been yelling about? My thoughts travelled back to last night. That had been the first night since Julia died that I _actually _slept through. I remembered falling asleep, and then a big blank. Usually, I could remember my dreams.

"Sorry." I mumbled. I knew my father would make a smart comment about my unconscious meltdown, so I figured I'd just apologize first.

"Seth, stay home with your brother today. I need you to keep an eye on him." He said, shooting me nervous glances.

"Still think there's nothing wrong with him?" My mother hissed at him as they exited my bedroom. I probably wasn't supposed to hear.

"I am really fucking worried about you, Eli." Seth quietly shut my bedroom door and sat down on my bed next to me.

"Oh." I didn't want to look at him. My eyes trained on the black and gray patterned bed spread.

"I'm not even kidding. You're on your way to a psychotic break, Eli. You know your teacher called Mom yesterday, even she's concerned about your current mental status."

"Why?" I knew why, I just wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to hear him say _'Because you're bat-shit insane'. _It would have made me feel so much better if everyone just said what they thought.

"What else, besides Julia, is bothering you? Don't tell me nothing like you always do, because there's obviously something else." He changed the subject.

"I can't tell you." If my parents found out, or her parents found out, that'd be it.

"You're being ridiculous, Eli."

"No, I really can't tell you, Seth."

"I'm leaving for work; I'll drop Piper off at school; she has an afternoon class today. Be good, boys." My mother suddenly popped her head into the bedroom, blowing us each a kiss. Kindergarten classes at Degrassi Elementary were split into two shifts; the morning class from eight to eleven, and the afternoon class from twelve to three. Piper liked to alternate between the classes.

"Bye, Mom." Seth waved. I stared at the blanket some more.

"I'm trying to help you." He said as soon as my mother re-closed the door.

"I don't think you can." I slowly stood up off the bed and trudged down the hall and into the bathroom.

I quickly undressed and hopped in the shower. The burning-hot water assaulted my skin as it saturated my dark hair. I went through my entire shower routine. I ran my hands through my hair with shampoo, I washed my body, and then stepped out.

My thumb flicked off the light, and I stood in the center of the bathroom, waiting for the steam to clear. I always turned a task as simple as taking a shower into a half-hour ordeal.

Once I was near certain that all of the condensation had evaporated, I grabbed a towel out of the basket and wrapped it around my waist as I flipped the lights back on. My refection stared back at me from the mirror. My deep, jade eyes were cloudy and distant. My soaked hair stuck to my cheeks. Dark, purple circles sat underneath my eyes, giving me a crazed look.

I turned away from the mirror and padded back down the hallway to my bedroom. I hastily dried off and dressed in a pair of dark-wash skinny jeans, and a black hoodie. It was raining outside, and I had no one to impress. My feet slid themselves into a pair of slip-on Vans, and I made my way back down stairs.

"I'm going out with Adam." I croaked to Seth.

A wicked smirk fell over his face. "Are you hiding something from me, Eli?" I cocked my head to the side. Confusion clouded my thoughts. Obviously, Seth caught on. "No wonder why you're so pale, there's no sun in the closet!"

"You're an ass." I rolled my eyes, after all that happened these past few days with relationships; he had the nerve to question my sexuality. "I'm just going to meet him at The Dot and I'll probably crash at his house."

"Take these." He threw me a bottle of aspirins and a chocolate chip Quaker Oats granola bar. I used to love those granola bars when I was younger. "Just in case I can't rush to your rescue… and you should really eat something."

I reluctantly shoved both in my jean pocket. "You're not going to make me stay here?"

"I trust you. And anyway, I have plans with Darcy." Seth narrowed his eyes.

Something inside me snapped. "Why are you even with her, Seth? All she ever does is bitch and complain over every little fucking thing!"

"I thought you said you _liked _Darcy. What the hell is up with you?" He jumped off the stool he was sitting on, ready to defend the girl who stole my brother.

"I changed my mind." I scoffed defiantly.

"I'm trying to help you, Eli. I really am, but now you're just crossing the line. Maybe Mom and Dad should get you checked out."

"What 'line' am I crossing? Huh Seth? Because you cross my lines all the freaking time!" My head buzzed with nonsense as I yelled something I had no control of. It was like my mouth took over everything else.

"The line where you start bashing my fiancée, that's the line, Eli." He took a step towards me.

"You proposed?" I screeched.

"You came with me to buy the ring!"

"I didn't think you actually would!"

"I wasn't spending six-hundred dollars for nothing, Eli!"

"I really thought you respected me more than that, Seth."

"What are you talking about?"

"It has been six days since Julia died and you got engaged. Life sure is fucking great for you, isn't it?"

Seth stared at me with a dumbfounded expression painted all over his face. "You need help, Eli."

"Goodbye, Seth."

"Have fun on your date." He called after me.

I scoffed and hastily exited the house through the front door, immediately pulling my phone out of my sweatshirt's front pouch and I dialed Adam's number.

_"Hey man, where are you?"_ He answered, his voice hushed and muffled.

"Are you in class yet?"

_"Use your brain, Eli." _He scoffed sarcastically.

"Can you meet me at The Dot?"

_"Uh, yeah. What's up?"_

"I just need to talk to someone."

_"Are you okay?" _

"I don't know."

_"I'll be there as soon as I can get out of study hall. I'll ask Perrino for a hall pass or something." _Adam was very bold. He wasn't afraid to answer his cellphone during class, or wear some of the ridiculous outfits he throws together like he's the trendiest student at Degrassi.

"Okay. Uh, bye." I hit the end button and clenched my fist around my phone as I entered the small café.

"Skipping again, Eli? If you ditch one more time, Simpson will hold you back!" Adam joked as he slid into the booth.

"It's not funny, Adam."

"What's up with you?"

"I, uh, I'm really fucked up."

Adam let out a heavy sigh. "What happened?"

"I keep doing these things that I don't even realize I'm doing. I can't think straight, I can't see straight, I can't even _write _anymore!"

"You've lost your literary mojo?"

"No, Adam. I literally can't write!" I pulled the crumpled piece of paper that I had saved from yesterday out of my pocket. "Look." I slid it across the table to him.

He looked at me skeptically as he unfolded the half sheet of paper. His eyes widened. "Why am I looking at a paper full of doodles?"

"It's my biography on that girl in English."

"You're joking, right?"

"That's not even the first time it's happened, Adam! And my head just buzzes constantly with random words and thoughts and they all crash into each other to the point of unrecognizability. My brain is like a jig-saw puzzle and all of the pieces are scattered all over the floor and I can't get them back into the right order!" My fist beat the table.

"Calm down." Adam slammed his hands down on top of my arms. "It's probably just the drama of Julia's death getting to you."

We stayed silent for a few moments. Adam was probably contemplating whether he should turn me over to the white coats. I was trying to ignore my racing head. My fingers drummed on the table.

"What happen this morning?" He asked curiously. Adam had known me for a long time. We had been friends since grade one. He just knew when something was up with me.

"I got into a fight with Seth." I sighed.

"Over what?"

"Darcy."

"His girlfriend?"

"Do you know another?"

"No need to be a smartass, _Elijah Reid. _What about her?"

"He's _marrying _her!"

"Good for him! What's the problem?"

"Julia's dead, Adam. It's not fair."

"The world isn't going to stop because your girlfriend died. I'm sorry if I sound insensitive or whatever. I'm not trying to be a dick, Julia was my friend too."

"He still should have had the decency to wait a little bit longer than six fucking days."

"Eli, everyone is still moving forward. The world is still spinning; it just doesn't stop because one fifteen year old girl dropped off the planet. Get it through your head. You need to move on, too. You can't sit and wallow in the past; it's literally driving you insane." I couldn't believe him.

"Can we talk about something else, please?"

"Fine, er, how's it going between you and Piper?" He stumbled over her name like she was the unmentionable.

"I scare the shit out of her. How do you think it's going?

"Well, I meant, is there anything new?"

"She told me she missed me yesterday."

"Really? I guess that's good, right? A man is not a man without his six year old sister!"

"I think she's only said it because she's afraid of me… God, I really wish I could remember what happened between me and her." I looked deep into my memories… nothing.

"Oh, uh…" Adam awkwardly turned his head away from me. "Oh, hey! Waiter! Can you get us some drinks? I'll take a vanilla shake, and he'll have a raspberry iced tea." He shouted at the busboy that stood next to our table.

"Do you know something I don't?"

"What would, uh, make you think that?" He nervously chuckled as his eyes darted around the café.

"Because you're acting all fidgety, Adam."

"I don't know anything, dude. That's your family, not mine, remember?" He unconvincingly lied.

I couldn't deal with Adam anymore. I had enough of him for today. I yanked two dollars out of my pocket and slammed them down on the table. "I'll see you later."

"Eli! Come on!" I heard him shout after me. I kept walking. My hands shoved themselves into my jean pockets as my sneakers hit the sidewalk. I walked a step quicker than my normal pace. I just wanted to get away from there. I wanted to get away from it all.

_"Eli, Eli, Eli. You know what you have to do." _My heart pounded in my ears as the familiar voice persuadably whispered.

Flashbacks from my dark days played in my head. My father's disappointment radiated through my thoughts, paralyzing my ability to think straight. Everything felt numb as I trudged in the direction of the old park.

I could almost hear the mass collision of scattered puzzle pieces that ravaged my screwed up brain.


	7. Rolling in the Flames

**A/N:** Big secrets are revealed in this chapter! Eeeep!(;

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p><strong>Rolling in the Flames: <strong>

I sat on the rickety park bench, my elbows sat firmly on my knees and my head rested in my hands. I watched as the small group of kids played kickball on the playfield, wishing that life was still that simple; when all life consisted of was kickball and candy.

I began to regret yelling at Adam. He was only trying to help, and I shut him out, as usual. I never let anyone in, not after what she did to me.

The events of the day flashed through my head like wildfire. Though my brother's inconsiderate actions still infuriated me, I blamed myself. I always had to start things. Always, always, always. Even when we were kids, the slightest remark had me throwing a temper tantrum. My mother and father resented me for that.

"Hi! You look sad; do you want to pitch for us?" My head snapped up to face a scruffy girl in pink overalls with blonde pigtails. Her two front teeth were missing and something about her reminded me of something.

"Does it look like I want to pitch for you?" I spat. I didn't want to waste my time reliving the childhood I barely had with a few seven year olds. Not now, anyway.

Her small, dirt-caked face twisted into a frown. Her reaction started the cycling of my thoughts. I waved her away and clutched the sides of my head, pressing harder and harder into my temples, praying it would end.

"Please? It'll be fun!" She begged. Didn't I tell her to leave?

"I said no! Now get the fuck away from me!" I hissed.

"I was only trying to cheer you up, but I guess no one can make you happy! I bet your heart is all shriveled up and black, you psycho!" I tried to remind myself that she was only a child and children say mean things, but her comment really struck a nerve. The girl stuck her tongue out at me and ran away, her short legs carrying her back to the ball field.

But she was right. Every word she had spoken was absolutely, one hundred percent true. And that's the part that killed me the most.

_I guess no one can cheer you up. I bet your heart is all shriveled up and black, you psycho. _Someone once said that children are the most honest people and they have a very good sense of character. I guess whoever said it was right because the filthy little girl in the overalls was absolutely correct.

I groaned and leaned back against the old bench, roughly dragging my hands down the length of my face in an attempt to calm myself down; I could already feel the cycling beginning. I whipped my phone out of my pocket, searching for the time. The glowing, fluorescent screen read four-fifty-six, just my luck.

It was about one when I called Adam out of class, and since I had to let my insanity get in the way of my normal functions, I was positive that Adam would like to have no part of me sleeping in his house. I had no choice but to go home. It wouldn't be so bad after all, I mean, I was in the mood for a good, fourteen hour nap.

I stood up and raked my fingers through my thick, dark hair, and started my walk home. My mind was almost up to cycling full-speed. I kicked the pebbles along the sidewalk and murmured incoherent phrases to myself to try and stop it, or at least slow it down. That earned me a few looks from the people of Toronto.

My reluctant feet dragged me into the lovely home of the Goldsworthy family; ever so perfect on the outside, and nearly perfect on the inside. If only I wasn't there, they'd be the envy of the city. My subconscious murmuring continued as I stepped into the foyer.

I quickly kicked off my slip-ons and turned to walk towards the kitchen, but the scene in the dining room stopped me. My family, plus three new faces stared at me uncomfortably. I recognized one of them; Darcy, Seth's fiancée. I assumed the other two were her parents.

Darcy sat next to my brother, hand in hand. A look of utter shock was plastered across both of their faces. Darcy's parents sat to the left of her, and an empty seat sat to the left of them, but there was already a half-eaten plate of food in front of it, so it couldn't have possibly been mine.

"Who is this, Cecilia?" Darcy's mother asked mine. I couldn't believe it. My heart was pounding out of my chest in fury. They didn't even know who I was. My family sure was having a good time pretending I didn't exist.

"Is this why you let me leave the house today, Seth? So I wouldn't ruin your fucking dinner party?" I was yelling, and Darcy's family was staring, and Piper was covering her ears, and I didn't care.

"Elijah! Watch that mouth of yours! We have company." My mother hissed, paying no attention to the fact that they decided to forget about me for the night.

Seth rose from his seat. "Can you please not start this now, Eli? I'm trying to enjoy this dinner!"

"Am I that much of an embarrassment to you, Seth? I'm so bad that you have to hide the fact that you even have a fucking brother from everyone? Did you really think I was going to screw up your stupid proposal dinner or do you just not want me around?" I felt like throwing up, or screaming, or anything to prevent myself from breaking down in front of everyone.

"I didn't think you were going to find out!" He yelled back at me.

"That doesn't make it okay, Seth." I whispered. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I didn't have the energy to be a part of them. I just didn't.

"I thought you said you didn't even want us to get engaged, so why are you so upset over not being invited to the dinner?" He continued yelling. He was just like my father, it was scary.

"I have felt unwanted for as long as I can remember by everyone in this entire family except for you, Seth. And now, I know I was just being stupid and naïve all these years. You're just like the rest of them." I shook my head in disgust and turned away.

"Eli, you know that's not what I meant." He called after me as I made my way back down the hallway. A few tears rolled over my cheeks as I made my way up the stairs to my bedroom. My eyes focused on my feet, my hands shoved into my pockets.

"Oh! Sorry." A short girl with a head full of auburn curls bumped into me as I walked down the narrow upstairs hallway. She lifted her head and instantly, her jaw fell open. "Eli? What are you doing here?"

I didn't know what to say. Clare's crystal-blue eyes were wide with shock. "I live here. And you?" I mumbled. I wasn't in the mood for anybody, especially not her.

"My sister got engaged to Seth Goldsworthy, who I'm assuming is your brother? Funny, you guys look nothing alike." She laughed nervously.

"Same about you and Darcy. Goodnight." I rolled my eyes and stepped around her. My hands pulled my bedroom door shut behind me as I kicked myself for not realizing that Clare and Darcy had the same last name, and even looked somewhat alike. How could I not have even considered that they were related?

I collapsed onto my bed and pulled the covers tight over my head, praying that the day would be over once I woke up.

_"Eli… waaakkee up…"_

_"Eli…"_

My eyelids flew open as I pulled myself to a sitting position. My heart was pounding, for some reason and I felt so clammy. I furiously rubbed my face; I was positive I looked terrible.

"Uh, Eli?" My hands fell as my eyes met Seth's. I hadn't even realized he was sitting there.

"How was your little dinner? Shouldn't you be downstairs entertaining your guests, you know the ones you neglected to tell you had a brother?" I spat.

Seth flinched and sighed heavily, ignoring my words. "They left about an hour ago. They actually didn't stay too long after you came."

"So, I ruined your dinner without even trying. No surprise. I ruin everything by breathing for all of you." I wasn't in the mood for him.

"Eli, it just got a little awkward with everyone after that. Not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have tried to hide you from my fiancée's family. They're going to be a part of our family, so they had the right to know about you. I'm sorry." I leaned my head back on my headboard and sighed. He really didn't get it, did he?

"Okay." I stared at my hands in my lap and refused to lift my eyes, my dark hair flopped over my face.

"Okay? Does that mean you forgive me?" He pushed my shoulder back in an attempt to make me look at him. I snapped my head up and stared straight through him.

"I'm just done, Seth. I don't forgive you, or Mom, or Dad, or even Piper. I'm just done with all of you. I'll keep out of your life; you keep out of mine, and continue pretending I don't exist. It works out better for everyone, then." I didn't wait for him to respond. My legs took over my ability to think and carried me down the hall to Piper's room.

I kicked her bedroom door open, she was six, and I didn't think privacy would be an issue. Just as I walked in, Piper was pulling a tank top on over her head. Large, shriveled, burn scars covered her arms and stomach. My eyes almost fell out of the sockets at the sight of them.

"Where did you get those scars, Piper?" My voice cracked up an octave. Even though I wasn't on her list of favorite people, I still took everything concerning her to heart. She was my little sister and I loved her, even if she didn't feel the same.

"Um, uh, I-I don't remember!" She kept nervously looking over her shoulder at the window. I guess it started raining while I was asleep, and boy was it coming down hard.

Thunder and lightning crashed almost simultaneously, shaking the entire house. Of course, the sensitive electricity went out and we were left standing in the dark before I had time to examine Piper's scars some more.

"I'll be right back." I quickly ran down the steps and into the kitchen. I stealthily rummaged through the cupboards for a few candles. Apparently, my parents had already began setting them up because there were only two left. I grabbed both of them, and to add to my luck, a package of matches sat on the counter, which surprised me. I hadn't seen matches or any kind of fire-creating object in our house since we moved a few years back.

I took the stairs two at a time on my way back up. I didn't want to waste any time. As soon as I stepped into Piper's bedroom, I placed both candles on her dresser and pulled a match out of the cardboard. I scraped the tip along the sand paper strip, and suddenly I had déjà vu.

"E-Eli… what are you doing?" I immediately spun around to face her. She was sitting all the way against the headboard with her knees pulled up to her chin. A look of terror was painted across her face. Her eyes fell on the match that was lit in my hand and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

_My fingers trembled as I flicked the last match into the hallway. It was my fourteenth birthday and I had decided fourteen was old enough. The empty package of matches slipped out of my hand. I had lit every single one and tossed them around the house. I was home alone, so it had posed the perfect opportunity, at least that way it would look like an accident. _

_I glanced into my bedroom; the fire's tongues had already worked themselves up the sides of my walls. A smile of satisfaction played on my lips. I was already dead as far as the world was concerned, and that was okay. _

_I continued down the hallway. The flames were consuming the house really quickly. The match I had just lit had already spread halfway down the hall. Something made me stop in Piper's room. I didn't touch her room; it would have hurt too much knowing that her stuff would be burnt just as quickly as everyone else's. _

_I stepped into the insanely pink room and sat down on her bed, taking in the image for the last time. Piper and I had a lot of great memories in her room. We played together, and laughed together. I told her all of my secrets, and she would offer me her pinky, promising not to tell. _

_I leaned back against her headboard, only to hear a small whimper beside me. Panic began to set in as I yanked back the covers. A terrified Piper stared back at me, her blue eyes glossy with tears. _

_"What are you doing here, Piper?" I screamed. My heart was pounding. How was I going to get her out of here?_

_"M-Mommy said I could stay here with you!" She cried. "What's going on, Eli? Downstairs is all burned up!" Streams of tears flowed from her eyes. Her appearance broke my heart. _

_I scooped her into my arms and exited the bedroom, only to be met by a river of flames coating the floor of the hallway, blocking our escape. Guilt and regret tugged at my thoughts, causing me to fall into full panic mode. _

_I ran us back into Piper's room and closed the door behind us, knowing it wouldn't help us. My feet paced back and forth as I tugged on fistfuls of my hair. Piper sobbed next to me. _

_"What are we going to do?" She choked. Smoke had begun leaking in through the crack between the floor and her door. I shove her comforter into the space to try and block it. _

_My eyes landed on her window. It was big enough to climb out of. "We're going to have to jump, Piper." I grabbed her and flew to the window. Time seemed to slow down as my foot crashed through the mesh screen. _

_The fire licked up the sides of the house. The temperature inside was scathing. If I was going to save Piper, I had to do it now. "Here we go." I whispered as I jumped out of the third-story window. _

_My grip on Piper slipped and she fell away from me. I watched her fall in horror. Her screams ripped my heart from my chest. _

_Time fell back into place as I hit the ground. My leg bent in an unnatural position with a deafening crack as my head slammed against the scorched grass outside of the burning building; the building that I used to call home. _

_Piper's ear-piercing screams still penetrated through me. She was alive! Piper was fine! That made getting out of the house worthwhile. _

_I felt the inevitable pool of blood form around my head. I had never regretted something so much. I was so stupid. What was wrong with me? Who sets their own house on fire? _

_As I slipped in and out of consciousness, I prayed that I would die after all. It would have made my family's lives easier. Everything would have been easier if I were gone. Plus, I didn't want to face my father afterwards. _

"ELIJAH!" Someone yelled from behind me as I was tackled to the ground. The lit match flew from my hand, landing across the room. My face was covered with tears from the horrifying memory.

I watched helplessly as the small flame was stomped out by a pair of Nike's. I was too dazed to decipher who it was, but I knew my father was the one pinning me to the ground.

Roughly, I was yanked to my feet and the small package of matches was pried from the palm of my hand. "Where did you get these?" My father shouted.

"Off the counter." I felt like I was looking in on everyone. Like I wasn't really there.

"Go to your room, Elijah. And don't come out!" He yelled as he shoved me out of the bedroom. My legs shook as I tried to navigate my way down the hall to my bedroom.

The memory played over and over in my head, burning me up with it. I, like our old house, became nothing but a pile of ashes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **There's a fire starting in my... house. Reaching a fever picth and it's... sending my sister out the window. Rolling in the... flames. xD


	8. Bleated Colors

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay on this chapter! It took us FOREVER to write this. Writer's Block is a poohead.

**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters, we're simply borrowing them.

* * *

><p><strong>SUMMARY<strong>

Elijah yearns for any way out; a trapped door that allows him to dodge the scorching knives whipped at his heart. But when she enters his world, that escape slips through his fingers, and the complicated story of his life begins to unfold. Little does Elijah know that there will be more than just ripped pages detracting from his tattered book.

* * *

><p><strong>Bleated Colors:<strong>

"Eli, are you even listening to me? I'm dying here!" Adam nudged my shoulder, causing me to jump. He had been rambling about Fiona and Drew for almost half an hour. After about ten minutes, I had tuned him out.

"Adam, I really don't care. I'm sorry, but I have way bigger things on my mind." I mumbled. My head was still buzzing.

"B-But Drew knows how I feel about her, and she knows how I feel about her! And then Drew, that fucktard, he forced himself on her!" He angrily picked at the weathered wood of the picnic table

"Did it look like she didn't want it, Adam?" I rolled my eyes. Fiona had been cheating on him with his brother since she and Adam had begun dating.

"Screw you, Eli." A hurt look crossed his face, and I felt bad. I didn't mean to make him upset.

"I'm sorry, Adam. I just have a lot going on." I pulled my knees up to my chest. His blue eyes met mine, and for a second, I thought he was going to yell at me for complaining about everything.

"Your mom called mine last night… uh… she's worried about what you might do, er, again." He uncomfortably took a bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"We're not talking about that." I buried my head in my arms and tried to kick the newfound memory from my thoughts. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to just forget about it.

But now everything made sense. Why we moved, why I was in the hospital, why Piper hates me, why my father hates me, why I'm watched like a hawk, why we don't use candles unless we have to, why matches and lighters are locked up. It all clicked together. I was the psychotic son who should have been taken care of a long time ago.

I picked at my bagel as Adam stared at me. "You need to get out. You know, time away from your family… how about you sleep over my house?"

"I sleep over your house all the time, Adam."

"No, I mean, I'll invite a bunch of my friends over and you can, you know, chill, and chat, you know, all that bullshit."

"I don't want to meet your friends; they'll probably hate me anyway."

"See! That's the problem. You kick yourself when you're down! You think people are going to hate you before you even meet them. Now cheer up, because you're coming."

"My parents are never going to let me out of their sight."

"Dude, it's been like a month. Okay? They're over it. I'll handle it."

"Three weeks and two days and my dad still flips if I even glance in Piper's direction. What makes you think they'll let me go to your party?" There was one good thing about my imprisonment; nobody was around to see or hear my meltdowns, which were coming around more and more frequently.

Adam smirked, knowing what I was implying. "Dude, who said anything about a party? It's going to be me, you, and a couple friends."

I rolled my eyes, "Everything that involves you turns into a party, and you know it."

"I take that as a compliment. You need this, so be at my house at… eh… nine."

"My dad-" Adam shoved his hand in face.

"Hakuna Matata, Elijah. I'll take care of it." The bell sounded, signaling the end of fifth period. I dragged myself off the bench of the picnic table and followed Adam to English, which had become my least favorite class of the day.

My leaden feet painfully pulled me into Mrs. Dawes's classroom. Reluctantly, I took my usual seat and tried to focus on being normal for the forty-five minutes of class. My eyes locked on my desk and I dared not to lift them. I could see the outline of Clare's petite frame, slightly hunched like she was tired or upset. I shook my questioning thoughts. I had been trying to avoid her since Seth's dinner.

Avoiding Clare was a lot easier than I had thought. She had been keeping to herself, for the most part. Even when we were forced to speak to each other to complete our English assignments, she said very little. That was fine with me. I didn't necessarily want to talk to her, I didn't even like her. And I certainly didn't want to face her after what had happened at the dinner.

Clare's piercing, blue eyes shocked me out of my thoughts. Her face contorted as she moved her lips faster than I thought was humanly possible. It took me a few moments to comprehend that she was _talking, _but I couldn't hear anything she was saying.

"I-I'm sorry, what?" I uncomfortably shifted in my seat, avoiding her eyes.

"I said; which topic do you want?" She repeated herself, dragging out each syllable. I felt like an idiot.

"Uh… I don't follow." I murmured. She rolled her eyes exasperatedly. Her anger was evident. I was starting to miss the annoying Clare. The moody one was mean.

"The assignment for this week is for one of us to write a paper on our perspective on life, and the other one of us has to write a paper on our perspective on death. Which topic do you want?" She tapped her pen on her notebook, staring at me intently.

"I don't care." I shied away from her. I didn't feel like speaking today. I had enough on my plate worrying about Adam's party and my father and my shaky home life.

"Fine. You get life." Her smug face twisted up into a teasing smirk. I mentally cursed myself for not choosing death while I had the chance. At least I had a lot to write about then. What did I have to write about life?

Clare promptly turned to her own notebook and began writing. I sat staring blankly at mine. I was afraid to write on it. I hadn't written anything by hand since the day in English a month back.

Hesitantly, I picked up my black BIC pen and carefully wrote my name on the top line, spelling it out in my head.

_E-L-I-J-A-H G-O-L-D-S-W-O-R-T-H-Y. _

Since I didn't mess up or let my hand take over my brain, I started to feel a bit ambitious and began to write the date underneath my name.

_M-A-Y 2-1-st, 2009. _

A smile crept to my lips. I was quite proud of myself. I didn't care how pathetic that was. That was a big accomplishment, considering how the last time I wrote on a sheet of paper ended.

"Eli," Clare tapped my arm. Instantly, I lifted my head. "I need some help think of ideas. You're dark. Help me." I narrowed my eyes at her, slightly insulted.

"Ouch." My tongue skimmed over my bottom lip. "You help me first."

"I asked before you did." Stubborn, stubborn Clare.

"Death gives the living a hard time and the dying relief. Dying is easy. You don't have to think about it, it just happens. But watching someone die is hard. It depends who you ask. For some death is the end. For others death is a chance to start over." I was taken aback at how deep I sounded. "Your turn."

"Life is worth living, if you ask me." She quickly turned back to her notebook, leaving me with nothing. My mouth opened as if I was going to say something, but then clamped itself shut again.

Without thinking, I tugged on her shoulder like a child. She snapped her face to mine looking angrier than I had ever seen her. For a moment, I thought she looked truly hideous. Her face twisted into a snarl and her skin looked much paler than I had remembered. Her skin looked as if it were stretched over her face, causing her features look razor sharp. I cringed internally.

"What?" she spat.

"You didn't help me." I whispered, studying her face some more.

Her head seemed to shrink into her _Degrassi Panthers _sweatshirt that was probably at least three sizes too big for her. "You're a good writer, Eli. I'm sure you can get this by yourself. After all, it's kind of an opinion piece." Her face wavered when she realized I was staring at her. She seemed so _different. _She seemed sick.

"What are you looking at?" The corners of her lips fell into a frown, and for the first time in three weeks, I looked at her in the eye. I was shocked to be met by a pair of dull, dirty blue irises, surrounded by yellowing whites.

"Are you sick, Clare?" I didn't know why I cared. I shouldn't have. Clare and I were not friends. We were nothing to each other.

"I'm not sick. I'm fine." She growled. "And don't say anything to anyone else about this."

Her head whipped back around so fast I thought her curls were going to detach themselves from her thinning head. Even her auburn locks appeared thinner and dead.

My brain began to cycle through all of my thoughts. Spinning faster, and faster, and faster, blending them all together. The puzzle pieces were scattering again and I didn't even try to pick them up. I just let it happen.

I let it happen because there was something wrong with Clare and I didn't know why I cared so much. I let it happen because I was a social outcast in my own home. I let it happen because Adam was throwing a party that I didn't want to go to. I let it happen because there was no reason in trying to fight _it._

I let it happen because there was something wrong with _me. _But there's something wrong with everyone, so why not let the cycling blend my thoughts into incoherency?

_Why not?_


	9. AUTHOR's NOTE &quite a short 9th chapter

Hello,

I, Kristi, am putting _A Fever You Can't Sweat Out_ on an indefinite hold. I apologize to the readers, if there are any left. This shouldn't come as much as a shock to everyone anyway. We haven't updated a new chapter in at least a month. The reason behind MY decision (We didn't not decide this together; I personally, made the decision.)is Alyssa, my co-author, and I have not spoken in a long time for reasons that I don't want to post all over the internet. Anywho, we completed about a fraction of the ninth chapter that I am going to make available to you. Be aware that this is completely unedited and totally not finished in any way, shape, or form. I'll post the portion of chapter nine, which is not named, down below. Again, thank you to my readers, I really appreciate your kind comments and everything. It meant a lot to me to hear that I write well instead of feeling like I wrote well.

Thanks again, and I'm sorry,

Kristi.

**CHAPTER NINE:**

My shoulder rammed into the front door.

PS: I guess I (we) had a lot less written than I remember. Lol. Sorry about that!


End file.
